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How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? - Input Junkie
October 7th, 2013
09:17 am

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How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
http://jewishjokes.tripod.com/j-lite-bulb.htm
Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
A: One, but it must have The Rebbe's supervision.
A: None. Only goyim do such things.
A: We don't wan't that. We wan't Moshiach's light.


Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
A: One to do it and two [minimum] to testify that it was properly changed.
A: We are not going to change anything unless the Halacha [jewish law] approves it.


Q: How many Conservative Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, call a committee meeting.


Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.


Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.


Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.


Q: How many Reconstructionist jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to formulate a blessing to change the bulb and the other to change the bulb


Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.


Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.


Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!


Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Rambam teaches that he who does not know from outside the book, may not know at all. And since we mostly just study in Yeshiva, we may not know how exactly to change a lightbulb. Then again, we may, as it is surely written in the Bible. Surely then, if we spend a week studying the problem, we will find the answer. Or, Shabbes will come, and the Shabbes Goy will change it for us. Problem solved.


Q: How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Talmudic reference to light bulb.


Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light Bulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.


Q:How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gehvalt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.


Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.


Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it "yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a new bulb.


Q: How many cantors does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One. But the congregation will not like the change.
A: One, but you cannot change it unless it is according to the synagogue's minhag.
A: Don't feel bad, but I feel it's time to change it.


Q: How many religious jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: Maybe none, because Moshiach [the Messiah] may arrive before we change it and then we will not need to change it.


Q: How many secular jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: My grandmother, who lived in a Shtetl changed lightbulbs. Today, we call electricians to do it.


Q: How many judaica sellers does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One, but it must be one of our new "Judaic Lightbulbs".


List acquired because supergee posted this which lists a bunch of religious-people light bulb jokes, but none about Jews.

It might be worth looking at the difference between insider humor and outsider humor-- insider humor is much more detailed and (imho) funnier, but you might need to look up some details.

More insider humor: Atheist light bulb jokes.

This entry was posted at http://nancylebov.dreamwidth.org/1018727.html. Comments are welcome here or there. comment count unavailable comments so far on that entry.

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Comments
 
[User Picture]
From:sartorias
Date:October 7th, 2013 02:19 pm (UTC)
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Insider humor IS funnier!
[User Picture]
From:ponderoid
Date:October 7th, 2013 02:33 pm (UTC)
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"wan't"?
[User Picture]
From:nancylebov
Date:October 7th, 2013 03:08 pm (UTC)
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A little research suggest that it's a typo (I cut and pasted and didn't see it) rather than an injoke.
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From:kgbooklog
Date:October 7th, 2013 07:41 pm (UTC)
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But it's a typo nearly every time: the list has six "wan't" and only one "want".
[User Picture]
From:elenbarathi
Date:October 7th, 2013 02:40 pm (UTC)
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Heh, these are great, though I don't *get* all of the distinctions between branches of Judaism. Insider humor is always funnier, because one knows those people, and it's All So True. I liked the Pagan ones best:

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.


How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.

How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you. *LMAO*


.... they missed this one:

How many Gardnerian Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's an Inner Court Mystery.

... and also, whoever wrote the list clearly hadn't ever been a Lutheran. It takes four Lutherans: one to change the bulb, and three to serve coffee and cookies afterward.

[User Picture]
From:nancylebov
Date:October 7th, 2013 03:09 pm (UTC)
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Insider humor is also funnier because it's less cliched.
[User Picture]
From:elenbarathi
Date:October 7th, 2013 06:04 pm (UTC)
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True that! The ones about the Druids and the Asatruar cracked me up most: I've loved men of both those Paths, and oh yes, they are original, you betcha. They would also both laugh at those jokes.
[User Picture]
From:minnesattva
Date:October 7th, 2013 04:30 pm (UTC)
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It takes four Lutherans: one to change the bulb, and three to serve coffee and cookies afterward.

This is actually true.

I used to know a million good Lutheran jokes, back when I was dating the son of a pastor and listening to more Garrison Keillor than I get to these days.
[User Picture]
From:elenbarathi
Date:October 7th, 2013 06:32 pm (UTC)
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I was brought up a Lutheran - Lake Wobegon sounds just like Bennington, Nebraska where my parents were born; the Lutheran church was the only church there. (I understand there's a Baptist church there now too: woah, diversity!)

Anyway, yay coffee and cookies, ja sure you betcha, and yay for Lutheran church potluck suppers, too. Where the womenfolk compete for social status through their devotion to 'Kinder, Kuche, Kirche', the kuche in der Kirche is incredibly yummy. As one of the Kinder, I considered the cookies an essential part of all church activities - cookies at least; home-made pie, doughnuts, cream puffs, cake and fudge were also much appreciated.

I don't think it's possible to grow up Lutheran and not drink coffee. It just goes so naturally with all the cookies.
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From:whswhs
Date:October 7th, 2013 03:28 pm (UTC)
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The only Jewish light bulb joke I'd heard has the punchline "No, don't bother, I'll just sit here in the dark." But that may be outsider humor?
[User Picture]
From:kalimac
Date:October 7th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
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Read a book called How To Be a Jewish Mother by Dan Greenburg, and you'll see the context that generated that one.
[User Picture]
From:whswhs
Date:October 7th, 2013 05:29 pm (UTC)
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That was the setup I'd heard for it, in fact; I figured it was probably well known enough so I didn't need to quote the whole joke.
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From:kalimac
Date:October 7th, 2013 05:41 pm (UTC)
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Yes, I expected that, which is why I felt free to cite the book without further explanation. I was attempting to address the question of whether this was insider humor.
[User Picture]
From:whswhs
Date:October 7th, 2013 11:05 pm (UTC)
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Is that book insider or outsider humor? I'm not sure who was its intended audience.
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From:supergee
Date:October 7th, 2013 04:35 pm (UTC)
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Excellent! I'm adding a link to this to my original post.
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From:ashnistrike
Date:October 7th, 2013 08:23 pm (UTC)
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Reform/Secular: These days most of us don't really believe in lightbulbs, but we all change them anyway because it's an important tradition.

Judeopagan: It depends on your perspective: looked at one way, only one person is changing the bulb; looked at another, many people are changing the bulb.
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From:sethg_prime
Date:October 7th, 2013 08:28 pm (UTC)
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I thought the Conservative Jewish answer was “Some of us want to replace it with the same kind of incandescent bulb that used to be there, and some of us want to replace it with an energy-efficient fluorescent bulb....”
[User Picture]
From:beamjockey
Date:October 7th, 2013 11:01 pm (UTC)
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Just last night I was thinking about the funniest thing my clever techie friend Todd ever did, and realizing that it would take a fifteen-minute science lecture to explain why it was funny at all.

Then I thought about making a Youtube video.
[User Picture]
From:tigerbright
Date:October 7th, 2013 11:58 pm (UTC)
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I've hung out with everyone in these groups and/or been a part of these groups, and oh, they're all true and funny, and the Shlomo one is mamesh bashert.
[User Picture]
From:realinterrobang
Date:October 8th, 2013 09:09 pm (UTC)
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I love these, and I'm lo afilu yehudit (od). :)
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