nancylebov (nancylebov) wrote,

The fantasy of being the right kind of person is a brilliant discussion of what the belief that one can be a whole better sort of person if one is thin can do to one's life, and what it can take to get free of the fantasy. I recommend reading the comments, too.

This is my comment:

Kate, thanks for posting that. It’s a huge issue, importantly about fat, but also about all sorts of other things.

I’m not sure how much madness I’ve got about being thin–obviously some madness, since I’ve been losing weight after I discovered that using carbs as a staple is bad for me in the short run, and losing weight is a distraction from the original project of feeling good.

However, I’ve got a parallel issue. As far as I can tell, I believe I’ll be a better, more respectworthy person if I have a smooth connection between perception and action–and that’s a lot of why I’ve been spending way too many hours playing Minesweeper. And aside from that there are other better things I could spend quite a few of those hours on, the self-esteem issues interfere with my reflexes.

I spent a lot of my childhood getting shit for not paying attention. I’ve put a fair amount of work into being less spacey, and I am less spacey than I used to be, and I wonder if the whole thing has been so abuse-driven that I’ll eventually need to rebuild the project of Me and My Connection to the World from the base up.

From the outside, this looks weird–how can a person get so tangled up over something so trivial? Still, it’s actually very painful.

Just thinking about this and planning to write it has made Minesweeper considerably less attractive for me, so thanks for giving me a good basis to work on it.

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