October 19th, 2006

Background anxiety

As many of you know, I have a lot of problems with inertia. I've been assuming that I could deal with it if only I could figure out how, and sometimes I've been able to tone it down or it lifts somewhat and get some things done. Still, I haven't been making nearly enough money or taking much care of myself, let alone having much fun or doing especially interesting things.

Recently, I read haikujaguar's piece about the level of felt anxiety and panic attacks she lives with, and I accessed some pain of my own that was bad enough that I'm now convinced that I can't deal with this by myself.

I'm more like ordinary upset now rather than in contact with whatever it was, but it makes sense that my level of incomprensible paralysis isn't just a lack of willpower. It's more as though doing much of anything makes me feel vulnerable to attack. And it's hard to do anything about that because the reward for being less frightened is doing (having to do?) more of the things that frighten me.

Anyway, I may be able to get money for therapy. Does anyone have a therapist in Philadelphia or accessible by mass transit that they recommend?

Here are the follow-ups to haikujaguar's piece: how she's doing now and her methods for coping.

On another front, I haven't been eating sugar, wheat, or much dairy lately. I'm feeling clearer-headed, less depressed (especially around people), don't get as tired, and don't suddenly feel ravenous. I suspect that cutting down the noise from being poisoned by commonly available foods is part of why I'm relatively able to face the emotional stuff.

I haven't really tested the dairy part--I'm pretty sure I shouldn't use cheese as a primary snack, but I'd like to be able to use it as a condiment. I may be able to get away with goat's milk cheeses.

Restricting what I can eat is tiresome, but I'm reasonably happy as long as I can eat enough of foods I enjoy, and I've finally registered that there's enough of a difference to how I feel that I want to pursue it.