nancylebov (nancylebov) wrote,

On defusing self-hatred

Self-hatred is something I've had a bad problem with, but it's considerably weaker than it used to be.

I believe that what's going on is better described as one part of the self hating another part of the self, with one's consciousness identifying the hateful part as the real self, or possibly being suckered by the intensity and self-assurance of the hatred.

A big piece of healing is realizing that the you're a larger system than the self-denigrating monologue. [1] I've pretty much worked with being more aware of my sensory and emotional experience which eventually led to realizing that what's being hurt by self-hatred is *me*, not some obvious blight on the universe, backed up with getting more affection into my life (friends, cats, a very good therapist[2]). I'm not sure how I figured out that accepting affection is a makable choice.

Realizing that the self-hatred's standards aren't reasonable is part of the process, but that's complexly entangled with realizing that it's ok to be a human being and to not like being hated.

[1] A lot of my consciousness consists of my internal voice. I realize this isn't the only way internal experience can go, and I expect some people do most or all of their self-hatred with pictures or in modes which are harder to define.

[2] Jim Brann, 215-830-8460. He does phone sessions as well as in-person sessions.

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