nancylebov (nancylebov) wrote,

A little more in re self-hatred

I'm glad some people have found my earlier post promising.

If you want to let me know how it works out, I'm interested. This includes what helped, what didn't, what helped that I didn't mention, and if anything I said made things worse for you.

I've gotten a lot more cautious about advice ever since I was so badly burnt by my reaction to some human potential stuff. Have big goals! You really have big goals, it's just that you're too frightened to let yourself see them! Do what you're afraid of! If you don't like hearing this, it's because you're fucked up! If it makes your life worse, it was your responsibility!

This sort of thing works out well for some people, I think, but I don't like the sort of collateral damage I took getting written off as irrelevant.

I haven't had anyone tell me that they feel like they ought to be working on their self-hatred, but they just can't make themselves do it so they feel even worse, but this seems like the kind of thing that could happen. If so, I'm interested in ways which might avoid that outcome.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to say that all you can do is start with where you are, and that includes what you're motivated to do. If possible, avoid looking down on yourself from above.

Observing your own imperfections may not be useful at the moment. Considering that the Voice Which Tells You You're Getting Everything Wrong is just another part of the world and isn't likely to be perfect itself might help.

The other thing is that I'm pretty sure one of my fears is that if I didn't have so much internal friction and I could do more, I'd be obligated to endure more energy than I can handle* and take on obligations which are beyond me. All I can say is that it doesn't seem to work like that. The process seems to be a lot more gradual and benign.

*That sounds like fear of mania, except that I don't have a history in that direction and I don't know of any family members who have it. I wonder if there's some old history and fear that got passed down.

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Tags: self-hatred

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